Are you finding yourself resenting and hating your child, despite the repeated attempts to improve your parenting skills with your ADHD/ODD child? Did you find yourself coming back to my site after reading my previous post, How I Grew to Hate My ADHD Child because you can relate, but feel guilty and can’t admit this to anyone who would understand?
Do you know what the number one post is on my site right now? Yep! You guessed it! It’s How I Grew To Hate My ADHD Child. I truly believe there are thousands of parents out there who experience hatred towards their child and it scares them.
Let’s be honest – hating your child is scary and unnerving. Hating your child is a new and different emotion we as parents never thought we would feel.
Parents, especially moms, sacrifice everything for our kids and love them unconditionally. We will walk through fire for our children. Therefore, when our ADHD children show repeated disrespect and rude behavior towards us and others, it’s hurtful.
Unfortunately, I experienced this first hand, and momma, you are in the right place! Over time, I started to resent my son. Furthermore, I was starting to feel an internal hatred building towards him and I couldn’t share this with anyone.
Sadly, over time we become worn down and all we want to do is be left alone. Then, the resentment starts to build. As time went on and the frustration and resentment grew is when I started to hate my ADHD child
Here is further proof from The Guardian, we are not alone.
My mission is to let other moms know there is a safe outlet in the world to vent their feelings too, connect with others, and more importantly, not be judged.
Why is Hating Your ADHD Child The New Parenting Normal?
If you have an ADHD/ODD child, chances are you experience unpleasant behavioral issues other parents don’t experience with their non-ADHD children.
Behaviors such as:
- Anger outbursts and extreme rages
- Cursing and yelling at parents and siblings
- Extreme defiance
- Not doing schoolwork or homework or taking hours to complete it
- Being disobedient in class
BB, (Before Billy – my own ADHD son) I was opinionated and judgemental as I watched other parents parent their children. Smugly, I would tell myself what they were doing wrong.
Years later, my judgmental attitude would come back to bite and I was eating my crow big time! Regretfully, it tasted like vinegar.
I was raised in a strict household and talking back and defiance wasn’t tolerated. Especially of my bipolar mother – I was usually the target of her manic moods. Having been raised by a severe bipolar, manic depressive mother made for a turbulent household.
Over time, when I witnessed how my child acted compared to how I was raised and observed behaviors of non-ADHD children, is when I started to become resentful of my son.
Matter of fact, when I started to implement the hard-nosed strategies I was raised on is when my son’s behavior backfired on me and my world fell apart. (If that was even possible!)
Interestingly, as time goes on we finally admit our true feelings, and we hate ourselves for it: We have grown to hate our ADHD children and this is why hating your ADHD child has become the new parenting normal.
Can you discipline a child with ADHD?
Yes, you can – however, disciplining a child with ADHD/ODD is different and it’s utterly exhausting! Trying different techniques and advice that will work best for your child is exhausting.
Through trial and error is when I learned what the tipping point was to better discipline with my son. Regretfully, this type of discipline is much different than how I was disciplined growing up. Which makes it harder to accept.
However, after disciplining my son the way I was raised, did I come to regret that decision. Resentfully, things got worse (if that was even possible!) when I threw down the gauntlet and took a hard-nosed approach. (More on that in another post to come!)
Only after trying some of the techniques mentioned in this article from Additude Magazine is when I slowly started seeing some improvement.
There is no magic answer to his outlines eight techniques to use when disciplining your child and these are the ones I used the most:
- Stay cool-headed and under control. This was THE hardest one to do for me!
- Treat before you punish
- Call in professionals. Once I found a therapist my son REALLY connected with is when things started to slowly improve
What do I do if my ADHD child is out of control?
Let’s face it – in the heat of the moment you are not able to put a pause button on your precious angel and consult a therapist in hopes of obtaining all important information on how to best discipline your ADHD/ODD child in the moment.
After all – it’s most likely after hours and if you call the phone number your therapist provided – you are getting an on-call service who doesn’t provide even the most basic message to your all-important therapist and YOU- my dear mom – are left in the dust to figure this out all on your own!
Over the years, I resorting spanking, stern discipline and taking away shiny objects yet – NONE OF THIS WORKED TO GET MY CHILD TO COMPLY!
So, what are you to do in the heat of the moment? Here are four things I used to deflect a meltdown with my ADHD/ODD child.
- Use the Poker Face Technique – When I stumbled upon the website www.theonlineparentingcoach.com is when I first learned of this technique and started to learn some of the reasons behind my son’s ODD behavior. I purchased several CDs at the time and would watch Mark’s videos to help me gain new insight. You can listen to Mark’s You-Tube video below
- Distraction – In therapy, it was encouraged to try to distract my son with someone else to try to deflate the meltdown. Sometimes this worked and sometimes it didn’t.
- Bribery – In my opinion, I would choose this one wisely and only as a last resort. Sometimes you had to do what you have to do in order to keep the peace.
I would start with the Poker Face first and work my way down my list.
Second, distraction. “Hey! Did you see the new coloring books that I found today?” or “Oh boy! Look at the NEW puzzle Mommie found at the dollar store!” to “Wow! Look at what you can get from the prize box if you listen/follow directions!” in order to start redirecting Billy. However slowly, there was the slightest diamond glitter of hope of compliance.
As a last resort, I would use bribery: Sleepovers! Ice Cream! Special Time with mom! Did you want to go to the park/zoo this weekend? Hey! I heard the circus was in town soon! or Did I hear so and so is having a skating birthday party this weekend?
As time went on, I found myself my own ADHD brain getting revved up myself up in my own ADHD brain to get Billy to comply and I didn’t realize I was actually making the situation worse at times.
However, as the all encompassing, caring, loving, parents we are – we are doing ANYTHING we can to have our children sustain a GLIMMER of self -control – no matter how small.
And that – my ADHD/nonADHD parents – is a success in anyone’s ADHD parents’ book!
The New Normal of ADHD Parenting
In this new COVID 19 environment – a new world has opened up. Could homeschooling your ADHD child be a better option? Maybe a smaller classroom size in this COVID 19 environment will work better for your ADHD child right now.
No matter what you decide you need to learn: YOU ARE NOT FAILING AT NORMAL PARENTING!! We live in a country with the most freedom ever – and YOU get to decide for yourself what is best for your child and your family!
Remember momma – You are your child’s voice and it takes a village! You are the first stone of your child’s foundation. You need to search and find out what is best for your child. Parenting a child with behavioral issues is not easy and there is not a set parenting rules written anywhere.
Hating Your ADHD Child has Become the New Parening Normal and it’s ok!!
Matter of fact, I want you to sign up and download your FREE Emotion Tracker to work through your feelings the next time you feel yourself losing control and the resentment building. Writing in the journal one of the things I used to do when it hurt so bad my face stung.
My experience has been that my ADHD child has more heart and integrity than most the non- ADHD children he went to school with.
How do I know that? Glad you asked – let me tell you how.
Some of the “better” and non-ADHD kids my son went to school with (and I secretly and jealously compared him to) ended up in prison. Some of those kids got DUIs or committed suicide. Others were arrested on drug charges. One teenager burned their parents’ house to the ground leaving them virtually homeless.
That being said, I am not saying my son is golden – I know this to be far from true! However, let me ask you – which child would you rather have? Yea – I thought so!
For now, the next step is for you to take a step back for both of your sakes. Love Them. Hug Them. Appreciate them for the child they are.
Mommie Needs a Time Out
Just as I did, you need to learn how to take a Mommie Time Out. When the waters are beginning to get choppy and you can feel the ship sinking, give yourself a Mommie Time Out to deflate the situation and recharge your batteries.
I know this is so hard to do – but is it VITALLY IMPORTANT!
Sign up and download your FREE “Mommie Needs a Time Out” Bundle.
This FREE bundle gives you suggestions for your Time Out, inspirational parenting quotes, and a space to write down your important thoughts and a mini-planner!
Download it, print it, and put it in your personal space to refer to when things are started to get heated and you need to take a break!