May is Mental Illness month. Therefore, I have decided to write a post on the ugly truth of growing up with a bipolar mother.
My childhood was turbulent. As a child, I never knew what the next day would bring. Would my mother be smiling and happy? And if she was did was she headed into another manic episode?
As a child, I learned to walk on eggshells. Keeping the peace in the family was a must.
Manic Moods
During her manic moods, mother would have endless energy, unreasonable thoughts and no need for sleep. Elvis records would shriek on the stereo all night and day. To this day, I can’t stand to listen to Elvis.
Mother would talk a mile a minute in passionate remembrance of her early Elvis years. In fact, in an old high school photo of my mother and her high school friends, Elvis is taped to my mother’s high school locker.
Mother would also stop taking her medications during this phase. She would insist she was better now and didn’t need her meds.
Her thoughts raced and she would blurt out ideas that made complete sense to her. We would try to reason with her but it didn’t work.
In fact, reasoning with her ignited her anger and the next phase would begin.
So I learned to be quiet.
Bipolar Rage
A raging bipolar reaches a new decibel of sound. To this day, if I hear that decibel of anger in someone, it makes my skin crawl.
At dinner, it was not uncommon for chili and other dinner items go flying across the room.
This is one of the books I have read when trying to understand my mother’s bipolar mind.
When mother was in this stage we were not allowed up from the dinner table. At this point, my mother was screaming, crying and raging over all of those who had “wronged” her.
For some reason, my mother became obsessed with me during these bipolar rages and I suffered the brunt of her illness.
One time, mother was in such a fit of rage over me, she repeatedly banged my head against the refrigerator. Or, she would take the belt to me repeatedly.
Bipolar Depression Symptoms
Almost as soon as the manic mood started, the depression would set in. She would then sleep for days. Or not get out of bed until early afternoon and stay in her housecoat all day while smoking.
Growing up, I took care of my sister and me while my father was working and mom was “sick”. At an early age, I was cooking, cleaning and watching over my sibling.
Call Me Fiona
Just like the character Fiona in Shameless I was left to pick of the pieces and take care of my sister and the household when other was ill.
Sadly, I identified with Fiona on Shameless so much and became addicted to the show. Furthermore, when my sister became an alcoholic, I saw Frank in a whole new light.
Here is another book of having bipolar illness.
Getting Help
Finally, father would take mother to the psychiatric ward where she would remain for weeks. I remember hearing mother screaming from her shock treatments on several occasions during her stays.
One day I asked my father what was wrong with mother. My father responded that she was bipolar. At this point, I am sure you can guess what my next question was.
Am I Going To Become Bipolar?
After my father explained to me what mother had, I had many questions. One being, was I going to “become” bipolar too? How did she get that way?
Many years later, I would learn that this disease seems to “skip” generations. Or siblings. Environmental factors also play a part.
There is no “one size fits all” answer. In my experience, heredity played a big part. Environmental factors in my sibling were the source of her downfall.
Even though I don’t have bipolar disorder, I struggle with other disorders. Such as, ADHD, anxiety, depression, fibromyalgia and post traumatic stress disorder.
My Saving Grace
My poor father had his hands full. He was working full-time, raising a family and taking care of a mentally ill wife. Over time, my mother’s abuse towards me had become too much to bear on both of us.
This is when I started visiting with my grandma and grandpa on the farm more often. This was the greatest gift my father could have ever given me.
Being loved unconditionally these two amazing people were my saving grace. From grandma and grandpa is where I learned invaluable life lessons. They are the reason I survived.
Symptoms of Bipolar Disorder
If you are wondering what the symptoms of bipolar disorder are you can read the list of symptoms I experienced to give you an idea of what this illness entails.
Bipolar symptoms that my mother experienced:
- Sleeplessness
- Decreased appetite
- Spending sprees
- Excessive amount of energy
- Risky behaviors
- Racing thoughts
- Targeting or becoming obsessed with one person
- Refusing to take medications
- Exaggerated confidence and grandiose thinking
- Extreme mood swings
Please see a trained psychiatrist that specializes in this disorder in order to start taking the right steps to get proper treatment. I will warn you: Due to funding cutbacks, treatment is not what it used to be.
Why State Mental Hospitals Closed
When I was younger, I remember when the state mental hospitals closed. My anxiety increased twofold Why? Because I saw in person what was behind those locked doors.
Mentally ill patients roamed the halls and screaming. As I passed in the halls, they would make faces and blurting out inappropriate comments to me.
Since the mental hospitals have closed, there has been increased crime and murders in this country. Funding needs to be brought back in order to help the mentally ill get proper treatment.
Today’s Mental Illness Emergency Treatment
Unfortunately, if someone is brought in for treatment in today’s due to an emergency, the time period for treatment is only three days. Then, they are released.
Even then, to get a mentally ill person admitted is not an easy task. If they are not showing harm to themselves or others there is nothing that can be done.
This is the reason people get hurt first before treatment is given.
Three days is not enough time for observation and proper medical treatment. At this point, the families are left in the lurch to treat their family. Often times, they are left with a person that is even more mentally ill.
How Having a Bipolar Mother Has Affected Me
My life is in a new stage now. Now I am able to reflect more deeply on how mother’s bipolar disease affected me.
There are good and bad points on both sides of the spectrum.
Bad points are:
- Increased anxiety
- Walking on eggshells
- Waiting for the ball to drop
- Feeling left out
- Not feeling “ good” enough
- Being too nice and accommodating
- Not accepting things for how they are
- Avoiding confrontation
Good points are:
- I learned early in life what I didn’t want to become
- Increased mental strength
- Tenacity
- Made me a better mother
- The ability to recognize the manic personality
- Fighting for what is right when needed
As I reflect back on my childhood pictures, it is surprising to me I was still smiling after all of the abuse I suffered from my bipolar mother.
The Takeaway
Mental illness is not an easy topic to address nor go through. Finding help is not an easy task. If you grew up with a bipolar family member please comment on how it affected you.
Ann, I had no idea you grew up with this. I can totally relate as my Father was also diagnosed with Bi-Polar and EVERYTHING you said is the reality of living with someone like this. It takes courage to write about mental health illnesses and I applaud you for doing so.
Beth, I am so sorry you experienced this as well and I haven’t talked about it until recently. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment!
Hi Ann, I’m so sorry to read what you had to endure as a child. It’s very sad. Is your mum still alive?, if so do you have a good relationship with her now?.
Thanks so much for sharing xx
Michelle – She passed away two years ago and I will update the post to tell what happened when I brought up this subject to her. Thank for commenting. I truly appreciate it!
Wow. Your life sounds so much like my life i got goosebumps. Im so sorry for everything that happened to all of us. I love that we are in a place now where we can share our stories and make each other stronger. Thank you so much!
Ash – I am sorry for what you have been through too. Being a child of mentally ill parents is heartbreaking. I haven’t talked to anyone about my mother and you are so right! We are in a place now where we can share our stories and hopefully help others cope and help make them stronger. Thank you for commenting and reading! Please stop back sometime!
Ann, I felt like I was reading my own story there! Thank you for writing about your experiences. I am 46 yrs old and still miserable with my Mother. This has been very helpful to me. Hopefully I can be brave enough to leave.
It’s so sad to realize it’s taken me this long to finally say No More!
Michelle- Don’t be so hard on yourself. Being involved with a bipolar personality is like riding a rollercoaster and you are along for the ride, like it or not. However – only you will know when you have had enough and when it’s time to walk away. Thank you for reading and please stop back and let me know how you are doing!
As someone with bipolar disorder who is also a mom I want to share how helpful this was to me. My children and wife rarely tell me how my condition affects them so understanding this a little better was beneficial, although difficult. I appreciate your courage in writing this.
I am so glad to hear this post helped you in some way! This is the purpose of my opening up about this difficult topic. It’s taken me until my mid 50’s to begin to truly comprehend how having a bipolar mom affected me. And more importantly, to start deciphering my own feelings and my own grief. I appreciate you taking the time to read and please stop back and let me know how you are doing. Much Love, XXOO
This is really insightful, and I really feel for you, but I somewhat feel like it is important hat not all people with Bipolar are like that. I have Bipolar Disorder, and I have never ever been abusive- irratible, absolutely. Said some hurtful things? Sadly. But not to that degree. Some people with Bipolar unfortunately are like that, but I hope people realise that Bipolar doesn’t translate to “crazy” and “impossible to ever have a functional life” because it is very possible! Hopefully changes will be made so that more funding is dedicated to this and that we can have more resources so we can cope 🙂
Harriet – I truly appreciate your insight and comment! I admit I have a hard time separating what I experienced versus others experiences. Part of the solution is the patient having the tenacity to want to make the changes needed, and it sounds like you have! I am happy for you and only wished my mother could have done the same. Thank you so much for reading and your comment!
Well let’s just hope you or your children don’t get bipolar I think you sound very in caring when you should of been more understanding to your poor mother . I have Bipolor and I’m nothing like your poor mother it’s people like you that should be ashamed of your attitude .
Thank you for taking the time to read my post and sharing your thoughts. My post is to share my personal experience and how I was affected by being raised by a bipolar mother. Due to this experience of being raised by a bipolar mother, it has made me a very caring (not uncaring) person and mother. It’s hard to be understanding when a mother beat my head against the wall, beat me with a belt, and verbally abused me daily until I was able to get away from her. It must be hard to read how the disease of bipolar affects others, but it’s time to speak out on this issue. There are thousands suffering and struggling daily, like me, on how to survive life while these constant tapes of abuse play in our minds. Thank you for reading and I wish you well.
Every situation has two sides. Do not forget this. My Mother has bipolar and pushed me away at 18, scarring me for life!! I am 48 now.
YES!!!!
My mother was also diagnosed as bipolar. She did not raise me…my grandparents did. I went to live with her for one year when I was 13. I longed to be with her my entire life probably more so since my dad passed away in a car wreck when I was one. He was only 25. My mom became a heroin addict after that followed by alcohol and pill addictions. She was in my life more as I got older and many people told me our roles were reversed. I was the mother to her. Any time she was “off track,” my stepdad would tell me I had to step in and help her as she had four kids but I was the only one who had anything to do with her. I continued to help, care, get her into rehab, get her psychiatric care, etc. until one day, I did finally draw the line. While I do not believe I am bipolar, I have struggled with anxiety for quite a while. I decided it was not right or fair for me to take on all her burdens since she was not there for me when I needed her my entire life. It seemed once I did that, she did not become perfect but I stopped being a victim to all the stress and disarray. My mom passed four years ago from bone cancer. She kept her illness very quiet until the end. That was really hard for me. I was her decision maker…power of attorney…but I realized the woman I always wanted to know and love and understand…the questions I had…they would never be answered. She was in denial of her own health. I was left to make decisions of of whether to cremate or bury her as you can’t have that discussion with someone who does not believe they are dying. My life with my mother was a rollercoaster as others have said. She was the classic…oh, my gosh, what mood is she in today? She was a Gemini and they say they have split personalities. I am not sure if that amplified it. On the flip side, my mother was awesome to my children. I did not punish her and keep them from her. She took them to church and taught them about God. She was very patient and loving with them. I always kept in contact if they were visiting. I kept a close eye but their relationships were very beautiful. She could never go back and fix missing out on her childrens’ lives. I know it tormented her. She wanted to make up for it…some days…and some days, she thought she owed no explanations but isn’t that the nature of the disease? As someone said earlier, not everyone has this to extremes…some cases are milder and as with any mental disorder or struggle, it is not fair to throw stones. Always try to be patient and helpful. Some people struggle with physical health issues and others are mental. The stigma needs to stop so that people can get the therapy they need and live better lives. Because of me witnessing the abuse of all the prescription medications my mom was on, I feel strongly against medication without therapy. I don’t think a pill alone heals people. I think opening up and talking about feelings and emotions and situations makes people stronger and helps them cope better and gain perspective. Good luck to all who have found this site. There is hope. God bless.
I am so sorry to hear your struggles with this and thank you for sharing your story. I am currently writing a book on the struggles of growing up with a bipolar mother. So many of us have struggled in order to help our family members and unfortunately, sometimes there is a great deal of emotional damage done to us. It sounds like you had some good memories with your mother. Thank you for sharing your story and I appreciate you taking the time to read my post. Best of luck to you.
I am so sorry for your loss and sorry to hear about your situation with your mother. There are no easy answers and all we can do now is try to pick up the pieces of our own lives and try not to live in the past going forward. This is very hard for me, especially when so much has been ingrained in us from an early age. I am glad you stopped by and glad you found some comfort in my story. Anna xoxo
All of these reasons are why I don’t think I can have children. I have Bipolar and although I’m sure you loved your mother very much, I don’t know if I can subject an innocent child to a life of ups and downs that they did not sign up for. I didn’t sign up for it either.
I am sorry to hear you have this disease and I commend you for thinking ahead of a future child you might have and how they could be affected. I realize no one asks for this disease and I am glad you found this post and shared your thoughts. Thank you.
I have bipolar disorder and two amazing daughters. I work very hard to keep myself well and I’m an amazing mother. It is possible. Before having kids, I spent 4 years trying different medications until I found what worked for me. I learned a lot about the illness and I know what I need to do to stay well.
Sheri – Thank you for reading and I so admire you taking care of yourself and staying well for your daughters. I only wished my mother had done the same and I am so happy for your daughters. Thank you for sharing.
I learned early in life what I didn’t want to become.
Dear, do you really think that is a choice?
The only thing I took from your text was fear to became a mother.
I’m 100% sure that your mother are sorry the pain she caused you.
I’m sorry that we bipolars can cause such pain for our beloveds. We just can’t help it.
Thank you for your response.
From my personal experience, I don’t agree with “we just can’t help it”. That being said, every situation is different and I will not apologize for expressing how having a bipolar mother affected me and those of us who have suffered the abuse, have the right to speak out and express how it affected us. No matter how much it hurts the bipolar person to read it.
Ann, thank you for sharing such a vulnerability in this post. Your story is more helpful than you probably understand. My best friend revealed she had been hiding her bipolar disorder from me for 12 years. Once she confided in me , I became the target of her rage and she had betrayed me in some horrible ways. She committed suicide a year and a half ago at the age of 56.
Words are not enough to say how heartbroken I am , I loved her so deeply. I’ve spent the last year and a half trying to understand, research bipolar disorder, struggling with guilt….all of it. God’s grace has been the only thing getting me through.
Reading your story breaks my heart that you grew up navigating this, but your heart comes through in your words and reading it helps me understand a bit more of what my friend must have been dealing with. Thank you, God bless.
I am so sorry for your loss and I apologize for not responding sooner. We found out my boyfriend had stage III cancer in February and with the Pandemic, I had my own issues for quite some time. I am so sorry for your friend and she must have loved and trusted you deeply for her to express her inner demons. In a strange way, I am glad you were there for her. I hope you are able to find some peace in what took place. In my own personal experience, I will never understand the bipolar mind. I am 57 years old and am still trying to recover from the emotional and physical wounds I suffered at the hand of my mother. If you read this, please stop back and let me know how you are doing. Much love.
Thank you for sharing your story. I grew up with a bi-polar/schizophrenic mother who wasn’t diagnosed until long after we children grew up. I experienced so much of what you did. I never put much thought into the outcome because I made sure I was the exact opposite of my mother. But recently I had an encounter that made me realize I had PTSD when it came to my mother. That’s how much she affected me. When I told my brother this, he agreed he felt he had it too.
I’m sorry that you went through this. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
I can SO RELATE to you and your brother! I am 57 years old and am STILL learning to undo the damage that has been caused. At an early age, I also found myself doing the exact opposite of anything my mother would do and still find myself doing it to this day. I would say, “I can’t tell you what I missed out on growing up and in adulthood”. However, I am confident you do realize it and I know it hurts. I am sorry you went through this too and sending you BIG HUGS!! Thank you for stopping by and commenting.
Why has my comment not been added yet? While it was not entirely positive toward your article, it was respectful and better written than a lot of the comments that have been published attached to your article about having a bipolar mother. Or perhaps it takes a long time to “moderate” my comment?
I apologize for the delay in approving your response as I have had personal issues these past few months that had to be put first. That being said, I appreciate your feedback and I stand behind what I wrote 100 percent as this is what I experienced with my bipolar mother. I also experienced the mental hospitals closing and this did lead to an increase in crime and does to this day. Furthermore, it is not a true statement of “bipolar/mentally ill people only harm themselves and not others.” Those on the other side of bipolar illness often suffer from emotional, verbal, and physical abuse. I applaud you if you have not instilled abuse in others. However, that is not always the case and those who have suffered from abuse have a right to state how they feel as it can cause years and years of emotional trauma and trauma so bad, one may never recover.