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All Sunshine and Rainbows!
It was eons ago when I was so excited to be pregnant with our child! Hating my child was never going to be an option for me as a parent.
Having grown up with a bipolar mother, I had my parenting plan down pat!
I was going to make sure my son would not experience the emotional abuse I had experienced growing up.
Learning from my mother’s mistakes, I was confident the relationship between my son and I was going to be 100 percent different.
My child was not going to be mistreated, unloved or unwanted.
Our son was going to be much happier than I was as a child and we were going to have an awesome relationship.
A Glimpse Into The Future
Before giving birth, I had witnessed a scene at a park one day taking place between a parent and child.
The frustrated parents were trying to gather up their daughter to leave and the daughter was throwing a meltdown of epic proportions I had never witnessed in a child.
Smugly, I wondered why the parents couldn’t control their child and blamed the parents.
At the time, I had no idea what I had witnessed with a glimpse into my future and I would soon be eating my crow.
The Beginning of the Storm
Shortly after bringing our son home, he became colicky, gassy, frustrated, and cried constantly.
The intensity of his emotions was starting to concern me. Having not witnessed this intense behavior before in any of the children I had babysat for in my teens, I was becoming quite concerned.
Now you might be telling yourself the same thing I did – this is normal behavior with a newborn!
The sunshine and rainbows were fading quickly and a new storm was starting to roll in.
As time went on, I had the nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach something wasn’t quite right.
Now, I had become the mom walking around the neighborhood with her screaming child trying to soothe him as others looked on.
Calling the doctor for advice had become a weekly occurrence to find out a reason for Billy’s behaviors.
Changing Billy’s formula, discovering gas drops and other ways to soothe him became my #1 mission in life – yet I had the nagging feeling I was failing at normal.
The Early Years of ADHD Parenting
Looking back, I realized the symptoms and behaviors my son were having was just the start of ADHD and Oppositional Defiant Disorder.
Here is a brief list of what I was experiencing until my son went on medication at the age of 4:
- In the grocery store, my son would have a meltdown when he heard the air-conditioner or furnace vents kick on
- Why were other parents not having to put bungee cords around their stereo systems because my children refused to listen to the word “no”?
- My son would hit and spit on me in front of others as I picked him up from daycare when he was sick or had a bad day
- I would sit for hours outside his door at night trying to get him to sleep in his crib and bed by himself with no luck
- His energetic personality had no fear and it concerned me so much and I was afraid he was going to get hurt
Now, I was exhausted, feeling like a failure as a mom and starting to resent my son.
What were we doing wrong? We changed his diet, tried different parenting techniques and chore charts. Yet, nothing was working!
Failure was now at the forefront of my mind daily.
Defeated, I called our pediatrician in tears for help.
During our visit was the first time I had heard of Oppositional Defiant Disorder and ADHD in young children.
This YouTube video from Dr. Francine Conway provides a great depiction of what the ADHD/ Oppositional Defiant Disorder child and parent experiences together.
Failing at Normal
Over the years, I was judged and misunderstood by other parents on my parenting skills.
As my son went through his school years, I heard the following comments from other parents and teachers:
- “Wow – I can’t stand the sound of his voice.” ( From his 5th- grade teacher)
- “Your child is so hyper and it’s annoying.” (From parents at sports functions)
- “Why can’t you control your child? He really is too much.”
- Other kids ignored him, made fun of him and left him out of parties and sleepovers
- “Well, I don’t believe in medicine and I don’t teach that way.” (From his second- grade teacher)
Realizing other parents and teachers were giving unwarranted advice, is when I started cutting people out of my life that didn’t bring value to what I was going through raising my son.
Hating My ADHD Child – Part One
When my son started entering his preteen and teenage years is when I started to experience feelings of hate and resentment toward him.
From a mother’s eyes, I was doing nothing but showing unconditional love for my child with little results. Since my husband died, I made it my main priority to be there for him – no matter what.
As mothers, we give up so much for our kids and put ourselves on the back burner.
In addition, I didn’t have a spouse to lean on and help me and the stress was unreal.
Hating My ADHD Child – Part Two
As time went on is when my hatred and resentment grew for me ADHD child and here are some of the reasons why:
- My son was so defiant with only me and over time it wore me down and I became resentful
- Knowing I was a good mother and giving 100 percent, with little results, hurt
- His continued negative and hurtful behaviors toward me were hurtful
- Making fun of our small house, financial means, etc. were hurtful
- Having social services called to our house over accusations of mistreated was extremely embarrassing and hurtful (and the case was dropped!)
- Hearing other parents boast of their child getting scholarships, etc., peaked my envy and resentment
I was taking my child to the recommended therapists and doing my suggested “homework” each week yet, nothing was working.
More importantly, no one could provide me with answers WHY it wasn’t working.
My child was not connecting with any of the therapists and I was at my wit’s end.
Furthermore – I was scared. What in the world was I doing so wrong?
It’s OK to Hate Your Child
Now, let’s get to the nitty- gritty of why I wrote this post!
Parents – it is COMPLETELY NORMAL and OK to hate your child at times!
Why? Because these types of children have different behaviors than other children and it takes learning different parenting skills to parent these types of children! (In fact, we need to give ourselves a HUGE pat on the back for all we do as parents!)
Please watch the TedEx talk from Jenn Jordan, a local radio host in Cincinnati, on how she felt raising her autistic child.
Can you relate to what Jenn was talking about? I know I did and this is a realistic view of parenting a child with behavioral difficulties.
Next Steps When You Hate Your ADHD Child
As Jenn Jordan talked about in the above video, at the end of the day, we love our children unconditionally and we DO NOT GIVE UP! (Even though it may not feel like it at the time.)
We are committed to unconditionally loving our child.
As frustrated as I was, I didn’t give up and kept knocking on different therapist’s doors to find a therapist my son would connect with.
Then, the unthinkable happened!
My son met a therapist that he felt FINALLY felt a connection with.
This, my parents, was the beginning of the seedlings being planted for a major harvest later in life.
Baby Steps
As time went on, the therapist and I felt it was best to let Billy spend the whole hour with him instead of both of us in the room.
My son and I had a habit of battling in front therapists and this was not beneficial to anyone.
Each week, I would email the therapist about the issues that were going on and the therapist would address them with Billy.
Over time, I began to see a slow, gradual improvement in Billy.
Parenting – Starting Over
Gradually, I realized how much my own ADHD affected my parenting.
It felt as if I had to throw everything I learned about parenting out the window and start over.
In order to help Billy, I realized I needed to make the following changes in my parenting style:
- Stop reacting to his behavior and use the Poker Face technique
- Let up on the intense parenting skills I was used to growing up
- Give him space to start figuring it out
- Realizing ADHD children are behind in their cognitive skills
I also discovered a program that helped me deal with Billy’s Oppositional Defiant Disorder was from Mark Huttman of My Out of Control Teen that helped me as well.
Moving Forward
Boy, would I love to tell you if you do X, Y, and Z – things will get better.
Sadly, that is not the truth. It’s a lot of trial and error, blood sweat and tears, and not giving up.
How I Handled the Stress
During these difficult times, I would use the Poker Face Technique, go into my room, and start journaling. I am a big believer in writing down feelings in times of trouble.
Journaling is a stress reliever and calms us down. Please see this set of positive journals that is helpful for writing down any stressful events in our lives!
And, if you are like me, you want to get a new set of pens for your new adventure!
Journaling will also help you when you are at the therapist’s office and when the therapists asks what has been going and how you are feeling.
This way, you won’t be sitting in the office hearing crickets while you try to answer this question!
In The Meantime…
Sign up to receive your FREE 3 Minute Parenting Challenge the next time you are stressed!
Having a plan ahead of time for yourself will help diffuse a potential meltdown with your child.
It’s a start on this long journey of keeping your emotions in check.
Please share your story and what has helped you handle your emotions of raising your child!
Wow! You have really been through the ringer. But kudos to you for never giving up, especially as a single parent. It takes a lot of courage. Thanks for sharing your story.
Thank you for your encouragement and for reading my post!
Wow- you have no idea how much of this resonates with me. I have 3 girls- 1 is ADHD, and another has not been tested yet for Autism (since testing for girls on the spectrum is lacking among the professionals in our area). The ‘baby’ seems fairly normal so far (shes 2).
I have homeschooled my oldest two for 2 years and I’ve been a stay at home mom for the last 9 years. The last few months I have been burned out so bad. I’m becoming such a short tempered, irritable, and overall ugly person towards my two oldest because I feel exactly the way you described. I’ve given 100% and feel like I’ve exhausted my resources trying to improve our family dynamics and life but I’m so worn down and empty now that all I feel is resentment and hatred and have no one to talk to because a mother should not feel this way!! We are a military family which means we don’t consistently have support from family and friends. I can’t even call my family or in-laws Bc they don’t understand how sleep-deprived and hopeless I am. Adding insult to injury they tell me I’m blessed to be a stay at home mom and ‘all kids do those things’… statements like these completely invalidate my feelings and experience. We’ve not slept through a full night for the last 9 years because my ADHDer just can’t fall asleep or stay asleep. Like you, I too discovered I have ADD… so I get in my own way a lot- which further completes things. From the bottom of my heart, thank you! Thank you for sharing your experience. I feel some relief knowing there there’s a mom out there who knows the feelings that come with parenting a neuro-diverse child.
I am so glad you read this and that you found a little relief in your day! If you are like me, you hate feeling the way you do and feel guilty. However, raising children with challenges eventually takes it’s toll, especially if you are seeing very little results. I remember being in your spot many years ago and this is the reason I am writing about my struggles – to help other moms who are struggling. I remember searching the internet endlessly for help. Sadly, there is no “one fits all” answer. It takes years of hard work, learning to let go and hoping for the best. My son is 22 years old now and even though the ADHD/ODD has gotten better, he still has his struggles and yes, it is still hard for me to step back and let him figure it out – and watching him fall. However, that is part of parenting and my son and I have come such a long way in our relationship! Hang in there Momma! Take a break when you can. Even 10 minutes alone to clear your thoughts and gain your composure back. Stop back and let me know how you are doing! You are doing an AWESOME job!!
I couldn’t disagree with you more. We may hate their behavior, but it’s not ok to hate the child.
Melissa, Thank you so much for reading and commenting. I know the title sounds harsh – but when you read the post, you realize how much we love our children, deep down, no matter how much they hurt us in the moment. I appreciate your comment! Thank you for reading and stop back!
Why did you validate her judgemental comment with excuses? Your whole point was to relate to parents feeling the same way and only wishing things were different. There are moments… and they are full of shame. But they are real. Melissa get off your high horse. If we didn’t care how bad it sounded or worse yet felt or didn’t want help to make it better we wouldn’t be reading this article!!! Yet it doesn’t change how real the feelings can be. Your comment doesn’t help those of us seeking support and guidance.
Shelly, Thank you for your feedback and I have accepted it’s ok for others to not agree with me. In my opinion, she didn’t read the entire post and that is the reason I responded the way I did. I hope you are doing well and thank you for reading!
I needed this post today. I literally googled ‘when you hate your ADHD child’ and absolutely hate that is my feeling at that moment! my son is now 12 and much of your story resonates, right down to the colic at birth. Immediate isolation & avoidance of public places, not due to tantrums, but it was always about him- couldn’t get anything accomplished in a store, couldn’t eat out, and so on. With 2 other children and being a single mom, my ADHDer really sets the mood. I needed this post today, because I have regressed and am letting my frustration show, gotta get back to hugging it out after I give him the time he needs.
Renee
I am so glad you found this post and glad it helped you. In our case, it did get easier. We still have our issues at times and it’s not rosy all the time, but it’s better. Thank you for reading and stop back to let me know how you are doing.
I am literally in tears right now. Just reading this and knowing I’m not the only one.
Did you feel that? I just gave you a HUGE VIRTUAL HUG MOMMA! No, you are NOT the only one who feels this way and I want so bad for moms to know it’s OK to feel this way at times. Raising a child with behavioral issues is TOUGH and we need to find different outlets to vent our feelings, without judgment. I am so glad my post helped you and thank you for stopping by. Please stop back and feel free to email me if you need to vent [email protected]
Oh wow I’m so glad I’ve come across this post. My son is 4 is suspected ADHD. And some days are so unbearable . The constant screaming screeching and noises, rolling about on the floor the non stop movement and hyperness day in day out. Some times I blow up and just scream at him to stop. Simple tasks he cannot do. Cannot sure still to watch tv or to eat. Can’t play with 1 toy for longer then 2 minutes then on to the next. Gosh it’s hard! Well done to you
I am so glad you found my post! I feel it is so important for ADHD moms to know it’s ok to not like our kids at times. It takes an unbearable amount of patience to be able to parent them. Deep down we know we love them but it may not feel like it at the time. All we can do it take it day by day and through trial and error find out what works best for our children. I was forever trying to find things to peak his focus and keep him busy. Hang in there Momma and stop back and let me know how you are doing!
My goodness, I’m so glad I found your article. I completely understand. We are having very similar experiences with our 10 year old son. The school SRO officer has threatened to get a judge involved with my son due to the many & awful meltdowns he has had at school. We have 4 children , my 10 year old is our only child with issues. My other 3 children are thriving. We all suffer with my son’s illness. My heart is completely shattered. Just when I feel we are getting ahead, a semi blows through and runs over any progress we are having. Then we start all over.
I am so sorry to hear this is happening. It is truly heartbreaking. It sounds like you are on the right track with your son. One thing I didn’t realize until my son was much older, is their brains are not cognitively developed and the child can be years behind others. cognitively. If I had known that at the time, it might have helped me be more patient or maybe understand a little better what was happening? Who knows. I do remember a police officer telling me once when my son was 13, “some of these boys take 10 years or more before they mature”. I just stared at him and thought to myself, “I can’t take another 10 years of this”. Raising a child with behavioral issues is challenging in so many ways. It truly takes a village and it may take time to find the people in that village, but once you do – it will be powerful. Thanks for reading and please stop back and let me know how you are doing and feel free to reach out to me anytime. [email protected]
I am an older Mom, 63 in fact and my son was very premature. His dad died before his birth so he already had a few black marks on his childhood. Then the dreaded ADHD, dyslexia and dysgraphia diagnosis happened and all hell with it! I love him so much, he is the fifth and the baby. But sometimes I think I want to run away. I broke my arm badly last month and had surgery two weeks ago to reset it and stabilize it so our homeschooling life for significantly worse. I think he must have resented not having me at his beck and call so he has started hurting my arm! He is 11 and I am afraid what he will be like in a year when he is towering over me. I actually hated him this morning when he deliberately hit me full force right where the brace is. I lost it! I locked myElf in my room crying from the pain. But I took a hot bath and locked him out. Within minutes he was apologizing through the door but I ignored him. He cleaned his room and started his online classes without me! That was a first. He apologized over and over but I told him I could
Not talk to him yet. Then I left to get my stitches out! I’ll let you know what happens when I get home but I read your post in the bath and I felt so much better! Thank you!!!
Sorry for typos. Still struggling to type one handed. 😉
That’s ok!
Kay, I am so sorry to hear how things are going but glad you found my post. I too was afraid, as my son has always been physically strong from the beginning and I quickly realized I had to learn ways to start parenting differently. The GOOD NEWS when I read this is your son had extreme remorse. My son’s therapist told me that was half the battle. The therapist I am seeing brought up a thought I hadn’t encountered before: When someone knows you will be there 100 percent of the time, they start developing an entitled mentality. Looking back, I think I was too loving/accommodating at times. But, we learn from our mistakes and even though I wished I had done things differently, I did the best I could do at the time. Hang in there momma, you are doing a GREAT JOB! Stop back and let me know how you are doing.
Thank you for sharing. I feel we are in this pit with our son who has adhd , emotionally deficiency and is partially deaf. I feel guilty for my feelings of resentment and hate towards him. We have 3 other children including a 2 yr old. I’m emotionally and mentally exhausted. For the most part I feel like I’ve given up and failed him. He literally does the opposite of what he’s asked. I can go on and on but I won’t. Anyway, I’m glad I found your post. Is there any support groups for us moms ??
Valerie, Thank you for sharing and I am glad you found this post! It’s funny you asked about a support group for us moms as I have thought of starting a Facebook Group for ADHD moms to have a “safe” place to vent and have Facebook Lives as well as a place for moms can engage with others. It is so important to take a few quiet minutes each day for yourself, even if it’s locking yourself in the bathroom. I have ADHD myself and between my ADHD and my son’s ADHD/ODD, it was a very loud house at times and stressful. You aren’t failing him either, even though it feels like it. You are an awesome mom and you are his voice. Hang in there and check back and let us know how you are doing!
I just found your post and it’s bitter sweet. My oldest son (8) had ADHD/ODD. I have a 3 year old and pregnant with my last child. I am so exhausted, ashamed, resentful, lost, hopeless, afraid, confused and over all burned out. Family refuses to see my sons behavior as anything other than bad genetics from his father or bad parenting on our part. Friends are very few. My son is homeschooled so dealing with him is always 24/7. In-laws are distant and unsupportive since the day we were married.
I feel alone and burned out more since my toddler has started to be defiant too. My marriage is more difficult due to dealing with our oldest son. I know I can’t be the only one but it’s still very difficult some days to do anything but cry from the stress of it all. How does
one breakthrough the exhaustion?
Parenting an ADHD/ODD child can be very lonely and I get it. However, I do feel it’s important to “let go” of others and do what is best for our child. As for the exhaustion, I would take “mini” breaks when I could, even if it was quick bath, reading, etc. You have to be VERY strategic and see when the opportunity presents itself! As for homeschooling, I wrote a blog post on How to Homeschool Your ADHD Child and hope that helps! Thank you for reading and stop back and let me know how you are doing!
OMGOODNESS, I loved the first 9 months with my child! it’s been a hard road ever since, I hate him, he’s 18 & I’ve not yet given up but shit I want too. I called the police for the first time the other day, he’s become aggressive, he’s tried to commit suicide! I don’t know how I’d feel if he did complete it.
Before you write any judge mental comments! I’ve tried everything – I’m giving it a year then that’s it! Or it’s gona kill me
Thank you for sharing and there are no judgemental comments here! Trust me! You have to do what is best for you and your child. I know the feeling of wanting to give up but can’t because of loving your child and wanting what is best for them. Try reaching out to find a therapist your son can connect with. It is a struggle finding someone they connect with and once they do – it’s gold. Hang in there and stop back and let us know how you are doing. Anna xoxo
Sad but very comforting to see I’m not the only Mom who Googled “I hate my ADHD child” to see if any results would come up. It does help to know there are so many others out there. We’re all human, all doing the best we can – and lately, my best has been pretty lousy because I’m completely tapped out. This pandemic has been such a nightmare, trapped at home together with few physical and social outlets. My son is newly diagnosed, and his behavior has gotten so bad that grandparents won’t watch him and I think I’m about to lose my caregiver, which means I could have to leave my job. Like you Anna, I was not expecting motherhood to look like this. Who the heck was I fooling? LOL.
We’re about to start medication. Soon enough I’ll enroll him in gymnastics and other intensely physical activities to help him get some of this explosive energy out. I imagine we’ll be in therapy soon enough as well. In the meantime I’ll try to stop scowling and hiding in my room so much.
Thank you for your honesty and your warm, supportive responses to all us hurting Moms. It really did make me feel a tiny bit better. <3
Girl, you are not the only one googling how to handle who hates their child. There are many mothers who do this but they won’t admit it like us. I apologize for not responding sooner, but I had some very personal issues this year and am getting back into the swing of things. Please stop back or email me on how you are doing. Also, “hiding” in your room is completely ok! I did the same thing and this is how I looked at it: It’s better than beating our children and having CPS called, right? We are doing what is best for OUR mental health at the time and this is 1000 percent worth it!
Thank you. Ann, for your article and your encouraging comments. I can see that you have such a heart for moms. My ADHD son is 15. We had a couple years of less bumps and crashes, but then the hormones hit!! Years of therapies, meds, books, constant vigilance, loneliness, frustration, and buckets of tears had resulted in a state of relatively functional living. Now we are back to wondering if he will make it in life or even just make it out of my house! Your encouragement made my day!! 🙂
I apologize for the delay in my response and I hope this finds you well. Girl, I HEAR YOU!! To give you some encouragement, my son just turned 24 and we have THE BEST RELATIONSHIP now. Did I think this was possible when he was 15?? HELL NO AND I HATED HIM! There is NO magic secret! All you can do as a mom is the following: 1. Throw as much shit at the wall and see what sticks 2. Continue to love them with UNCONDITIONAL LOVE ( I KNOW this is hard – but this is our JOB as mothers) 3. Learn to LET GO and give it A LOT OF TIME!! Learn to be proud of your child for any successes and don’t compare your child to others. I did this for years and regret it now as my son has turned out to be more of a man than those “good” kids in school I was so envious of at the time. MUCH LOVE MOMMA!
Thank you for posting this. My sister’s 4 year old son has ADHD and I am sad of what his behavior is doing to her. He cannot focus, listen or pay attention for more than a few seconds. He needs to be redirected constantly. He has been kicked out of 3 daycares so far because the staffs were unable to handle him and he was so aggressive with the other kids (biting, hitting, sitting on them). It’s a nightmare watching my sister go through this. I feel terrible for saying this, but I won’t let my nephew around my own children because of how aggressive he is with my kids and because I don’t want his behavior to rub off on my kids. It was heartbreaking for me to tell her this, but I have to put my own kids above hers.
Another element to this is my BIL has ADHD that he refuses to treat. He only displays anger, rage and impatience with my nephew and we can tell how much it affects my nephew. I am sorry to say this, but some people with ADHD make awful parents- my BIL is the perfect example.
I am going to share this article with my sister. Sometimes she thinks my nephew’s ADHD will just magically go away one day. It seems like it won’t.
Thank you for reading and your comments! It is especially hard when a significant other doesn’t acknowledge what is going on and I am sure your sister feels so torn. You are correct, ADHD won’t “magically” go away and each child is different and the parents have to find out what works by trying different strategies for their child. Realize your sister is doing the best she can. While I understand your view of doing what is best for your kids, I know how it feels as a parent to watch your child being left out of play dates and activities. It’s not easy for anyone. Please tell your sister she can reach out to me anytime to vent or if she needs advice. Thanks!
I have been for I while and still am at the point you were once : deep resentment. I can’t seem to escape the feeling and it’s consuming me. I hate my life with him, I regret having him, I hate that I feel this way. I feel trapped, helpless and hopeless to help him or myself. As a sufferer of mental illness, I think I was selfish and irresponsible to have a child, because clearly I’m not equipped to handle and cope, much less help.
Don’t be so hard on yourself! While we are in the thick of things, we forget to pat ourselves on the back for the job we are doing. I can honestly say I felt like you did and it hurt. Fast forward the clock 10 years, I can’t believe how much our relationship has improved. I know it’s hard Momma – but hang in there, take as much time as you can for self-care to rejuvenate. Your little guy needs you. Big Hugs!
My toddler is very clearly adhd, and more often then not I cry at my wits end. He is just so distructive and so “explorative”. I’m so tired, actually I’m exhausted. I just don’t wanna do it anymore. The aggressive hitting/spitting/throwing.
I say very clearly because it’s been inherited, he’s an exact replica of my spouse when he was a boy, and they won’t test him for another year.
I am so sorry you are going through this and how long it will be before they test him. I am sure COVID has delayed things as well. Taking care of yourself mentally is the biggest task right now. Do anything that builds up your patience. Research ways how to help both of you. It’s trial and error.
Start a journal and document what’s worked and what hasn’t. Hang in there momma! You are doing a great job!
Oh boy, how do I remember those days and it’s mentally exhausting!!! In my experience, this process is so much trial and error, finding what works and what doesn’t. If he is also ODD, it makes it 1,000 times harder, in my opinion. Start a journal and document what you have tried and the outcomes. That way, if you start seeing a therapist at some point, this will be a great head start!